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Tales of a Moron Part 3


Tales of a Moron will be an ongoing story that will be given in pieces in the form of short stories. It will be updated as the web-page is updated. Enjoy!

As I start walking downstairs I wonder how Mina is feeling about our breakup? Maybe, she’s crying and regretting her decision and any minute now she’s going to run up to my room and beg me to take to her back, and of course I will with open arms. Then when she asks me why I took her back, I will explain to her how her love is so incredibly important to me. At least that’s how it happens in the movies.

I run up the stairs to my room just to make sure she didn’t run up there herself, but she’s hasn’t, at least I don’t see her up there, so I start walking back towards breakfast. On the way to breakfast I realize the reason she’s not up there is maybe because she’s seen to many movies. Because of this she thinks that maybe she can just run around in the opposite sex’s dorms. Poor Miriam she doesn’t realize that in real life, or on this campus at least, a member of the dorm must escort the members of the opposite sex they are visiting. Why? I mean it’s not like guys mind having girls over to our dorms. In fact we’re rather amazed by the fact if we even see a girl stopping, if even for a second, outside of our dorm. I continue to ponder this as I pull my card out of my pocket to get scanned for breakfast. The lady who scans my card has scanned my card for the last fifty days, but we have never spoken a word to each other, other than the usual, “Good morning,” and response from her of “Shut up.” After our discourse I head over to the tray rack to get a tray and then to the buffet for some food.

After acquiring the necessary food items I then head over to a table my friends, yes friends plural, as in many, or in my case a few, friends, and I have sat at over the last fifty days as well. My friend Jenna has already sat down and is quietly eating her breakfast with one hand, while flipping off the people staring at her with the other hand. “What’s up Jenna,” I ask her.

“Not to much Todd, how was your night with the ice queen,” she responds.

“Who,” I say in a way to feign innocence.


“Oh um well she broke up with me.”

“That sucks,” Jenna said and continued eating her breakfast without a pause.

“Yeah, I guess so, but still, I think she’s gonna realize the mistake she made.”

“Todd, no offense buddy, but um well, I don’t think she made a mistake, except in agreeing to go out with you because you got money.”

Ok so technically I had to pay Melany to go out with me, but I’m sure after the first day with me she would have given me the money back and been happy to go out with me free of charge. If only there had been a first day. All I had with her was a two hours. Still, those two hours might have been enough to… wait a second is Jenna saying Marcy was wrong for going out with me for money? “Jenna, I thought you were on my side.”

“Todd I am, which is why I told you that you shouldn’t be paying girls to go out with ya. I mean come on dude have some self-respect.”

Jenna really talks like this, which is weird because she’s a Goth. I mean the whole thing. She wears white and black make-up and all black clothing, with a gold cross around the neck. Thing is she actually believes in the cross. Like the whole Christianity thing, every bit of it. Usually she’s much sweeter and wouldn’t have been flipping off the people who had been staring at her, but she's not too sweet in the mornings. I continue, “Jenna I have no self-respect because I have never had a girlfriend, and therefore have never been deserving of respect.”

“Dude, you are way to weird Todd. You think cuz you got/had a girlfriend you deserved respect? Please I had some small amount of respect for you before you said that.”

What can I say? I believe a guy can never be respected unless he’s had a girlfriend. I mean before Marla I’ve never had a g… well maybe I did. Sixth grade was kind of a weird time for all of us, ok?! I mean one day a girl’s holding your hand with no explanation, and the next day with the same amount of explanation and rationality she’s holding another guys’ hand. The new guy of course has no idea why the girl is holding his hand, only that he doesn’t mind her doing this, unless of course she’s butt ugly, but that’s a different story. Thing is that’s the highlight of my dating career. I’ve never had a date because well three key factors: 1) zits, I had acne real bad till my junior year of high school, and no my chances did not increase after the zits left 2) low self-esteem, it’s something I still have because one day I realized that a lot of middle through college level girls do not want a cog on the high school football field, they want the finished product, which is usually the guy scoring the points versus the guy who makes the block so the other guy can score the points and 3) well the one girl I was sure was the one turned out to be bisexual and I also never did talk to her, but my gosh she looked great, she was short with short hair and I’m sure she had a great personality and a great voice to go with those great looks and I’m sure we would have made a great couple, but well I never did talk to her so yeah that’s about all. Let’s head on back to the conversation shall we?

“Uh huh,” I say this without really listening to what Jenna had just said. She just responds by shaking her head. I start eating my breakfast, however this gets boring so I ask Jenna a question. “Hey Jenna why do you think Melina dumped me?”

Jenna looks up and says, “Well I’d like to say it’s cuz she had some return of sense and morality and decided dating you because you paid her too was wrong. However, most likely it has to do with the combination of a few facts. Fact number 1) you don’t know her name, which is Maria, not Melina, Melanie, or the thousands of other names you’ve been calling her that start with M. Fact number 2) Maybe you’re not her type, and fact number 3) you’re not in her weight-class. However, this is just my opinion and I could totally be wrong,” she finished sarcastically.

The first two don’t faze me, but the last one… well that just brings to mind all sorts of things. “What do you mean I’m not in her weight-class? I mean come on guys have always outweighed girls.”

Jenna rolled her eyes and looked at me. “Todd did you ever see High Fidelity?”

I nod.

“Ok, remember when he was talking about how he and that Charlie chick didn’t get along because she was more outgoing and beautiful than he was?”

I nod again.

“OK, when he said that he used weight class as a metaphor for that type of thing.”

“Who John Cusack?”

“Yeah John Cusack.”

“Oh alright, that was a great movie wasn’t it?”

“Yeah it was. Did you get what I’m saying?”

“Yeah you’re saying that I’m too beautiful and outgoing to be around Missy.”

“NO Todd!! What I am saying is that, man forget it.” She turned her head down and went back to eating breakfast, as did I. After a few minutes I look up and say, “Hey Jenna.”

“What Todd?”

“Just kidding,” and laugh. She just sighs and goes back to eating her breakfast. I take this time to do some thinking. Ok so maybe Mary-Anne is to good for me. Who is just good enough for me? “Hey Jenna you got a piece of paper?” She just nods and hands it to me. I take out a pen and start making a list of qualifications for someone more in my league.

On to Part 4 of Tales of a Moron

Back to Part 2 of Tales of a Moron

Back to the Short Stories
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